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| When I Am an Old Woman I Shall Wear Purple with a red hat that doesn't go, and doesn't suit me. And I shall spend my pension on brandy and summer gloves and satin candles, and say we've no money for butter. I shall sit down on the pavement when I am tired and gobble up samples in shops and press alarm bells and run my stick along the public railings and make up for the sobriety of my youth. I shall go out in my slippers in the rain and pick the flowers in other people's gardens and learn to spit. You can wear terrible shirts and grow more fat and eat three pounds of sausages at a go or only bread and pickles for a week and hoard pens and pencils and beer nuts and things in boxes. But now we must have clothes that keep us dry and pay our rent and not swear in the street and set a good example for the children. We must have friends to dinner and read the papers. But maybe I ought to practice a little now? So people who know me are not too shocked and surprised When suddenly I am old, and start to wear purple. Jenny Joseph |
| Ladies, As I continue to age, I value older women most of all. Here are just a few reasons why ... Older woman will never wake you in the middle of the night to ask, "What are you thinking?" She doesn't care what you think. If a woman over 40 doesn't want to watch the game, she doesn't sit around whining about it. She does something she wants to do. And it's usually something more interesting. An older woman knows herself well enough to be assured in who she is, what she is, what she wants and from whom. Few older women give a damn what you might think about her or what she's doing. Older women are dignified. They seldom have a screaming match with you at the opera or in the middle of an expensive restaurant. Of course, if you deserve it, they won't hesitate to shoot you if they think they can get away with it. An older woman usually has had her fill of "meaningful relationships" and "commitment." The last thing she wants in her life is another dopey, clingy, whiny, dependent lover. Older women are generous with praise, often undeserved. They know what it's like to be unappreciated. Women get psychic as they age. You never have to confess your sins to an older woman. They already know. An older woman has the self-assurance to introduce you to her women friends. A younger woman with a man will often ignore even her best friend because she doesn't trust the guy with other women. Older women couldn't care less. An older woman looks good wearing bright red lipstick. This is not true of younger women or drag queens. Once you get past a wrinkle or two, an older woman is far sexier than her younger counterpart. Older women are forthright and honest. They'll tell you right off you are a jerk if you are acting like one. You don't ever have to wonder where you stand with her ... Yes, we praise older women for a multitude of reasons. Unfortunately, it's not always reciprocal. For every stunning, smart, well-coiffed, hot woman of 40+ ... there is a bald, paunchy relic in yellow pants making a fool of himself with some 22-year-old waitress. Ladies, I apologize for all of us. Author Unknown This has been widely reported on the internet to have been written by Andy Rooney, it was not. Snopes.com |
| The Female Stages Of Life:
AGE / DRINK ... 17 - Wine Coolers 25 - White wine 35 - Red wine 48 - Dom Perignon 66 - Ensure EXCUSES FOR REFUSING DATES ... 17 - Need to wash my hair 25 - Need to wash and condition my hair 35 - Need to color my hair 48 - Need to have Francois color my hair 66 - Need to have Francois color my wig FAVORITE SPORT ... 17 - shopping 25 - shopping 35 - shopping 48 - shopping 66 - shopping DRUG ... 17 - shopping 25 - shopping 35 - shopping 48 - shopping 66 - shopping DEFINITION OF A SUCCESSFUL DATE ... 17 - Burger King 25 - Free meal 35 - A diamond 48 - A bigger diamond 66 - Home Alone FAVORITE FANTASY ... 17 - tall, dark, and handsome 25 - tall, dark, and handsome with money 35 - tall, dark, and handsome with money and a brain 48 - a man with hair 66 - a man HOUSE PET ... 17 - Muffy the cat 25 - Unemployed boyfriend and Muffy the Cat 35 - Irish setter and Muffy the Cat 48 - Children from first marriage and Muffy the Cat 66 Retired husband dabbles in taxidermy, stuffs Muffy the Cat WHAT'S THE IDEAL AGE TO GET MARRIED? ... 17 - 17 25 - 25 35 - 35 48 - 48 66 - 66 IDEAL DATE ... 17 - He offers to pay 25 - He pays 35 - He cooks breakfast the next morning 48 - He cooks breakfast the next morning for the kids 66 - He can chew breakfast Author Unknown |
| Childhood Mirror: That time of life when you make funny faces in the mirror. Middle-age Mirror: That time of life when the mirror gets even. Author Unknown |
| What Is Maturity ... Maturity is realizing you are neither wonderful nor worthless. It is coming to the place between what is and what might be. It isn't a destination. It is the journey. It is the moment you wake up after some grief or staggering blow and know, 'Yes, I am going to live after all. It is the moment when you learn something you have long believed in isn't so, and parting with the old conviction, find that you're still you. It is the moment you discover somebody can do your job as well as you can, yet you go on doing it anyway. The moment you do the thing you have always been afraid of; the moment you realize you are forever alone ... but so is everybody else, and so in some ways you are more together than ever, and a hundred other moments when you find out who you are. It is letting life happen in its own good order, and making the most of what there is. Author Unknown |
| Age and treachery will always overcome youth and skill! Author Unknown |
| Some people try to turn back their odometers. Not me. I want people
to know why I look this way. I've traveled a long way and some of the
roads weren't paved. Author Unknown |
| Enjoy the power and beauty of your youth.
Oh, never mind ... You will not understand the power and beauty
of your youth until they've faded. But trust me, in 20 years, you'll
look back at photos of yourself and recall in a way you can't grasp
now ... how much possibility lay before you and how fabulous you
really looked. Author Unknown |
| Mid-life is when the growth of hair on our legs slows down.
This gives us plenty of time to care for our newly acquired
mustache. In mid-life women no longer have upper arms, we have wingspans. We are no longer women in sleeveless shirts, we are flying squirrels in drag. Mid-life is when you can stand naked in front of a mirror and you can see your rear end without turning around. Mid-life is when you go for a mammogram and realize that it is the only time someone will ask you to appear topless on film. Mid-life is when you want to grab every firm young lovely in a tube top and scream "Listen honey, even the Roman Empire fell, and those will, too!" Mid-life brings with it the wisdom to know that life throws us curves and we're sitting on our biggest ones. Mid-life is when you look at your know-it-all, beeper-wearing teenager and think: "For this I have stretch marks?" In mid-life your memory starts to go. In fact, the only thing we can still retain is water. Mid-life means that your Body By Jake now includes Legs By Rand McNally ... more red and blue lines than an accurately scaled map of Wisconsin. Mid-life means that you become more reflective. You start pondering the "big" questions. What is life? Why am I here? How much Healthy Choice ice cream can I eat before it's no longer a healthy choice? But ... mid-life also brings with it an appreciation for what is important. We realize that breasts sag, hips expand, and chins double, but our loved ones make the journey worthwhile. Would any of you trade the knowledge that you have now for the body you had back then? Maybe our bodies simply have to expand to hold all of the wisdom and love we've acquired ... that's my philosophy and I'm sticking to it! Author Unknown |
| Now I lay me
Down to sleep. I pray the Lord My shape to keep. Please no wrinkles ... Please no bags ... Please lift my butt Before it sags! Please no age spots ... Please no gray And as for my belly ... Please take it away. Please keep me healthy Please keep me young. And thank you, Dear Lord ... For all that you've done! ~ Amen ~ Author Unknown |
| A Warning To All Woman: Most of you have read the scare-mail about the person whose kidneys were stolen while he was passed out. While that was an "urban legend" ... this one is not. It's happening every day. You too may have been a victim. Read on ... My thighs were stolen from me during the night of August 3rd a few years ago. It was just that quick. I went to sleep in my body and woke up with someone else's thighs. The new ones had the texture of cooked oatmeal. Who would have done such a cruel thing to legs that had been wholly, if imperfectly, mine for years? Whose thighs were these? What happened to mine? I spent the entire summer looking for them. I searched, in vain, at pools and beaches, anywhere I might find female limbs exposed. I became obsessed. I had nightmares filled with cellulite and flesh that turns to bumps in the night. Finally, hurt and angry, I resigned myself to living out my life in jeans and Sheer Energy pantyhose. Then, just when my guard was down, the thieves struck again. My rear end was next. I knew it was the same gang, because they took pains to match my new rear end (although badly attached, it was at least three inches lower than the original) to the thighs they had stuck me with earlier. Now my rear complimented my legs, lump for lump. Frantic, I prayed that long skirts would stay in fashion. Thn two years ago I realized my arms had been switched. One morning while fixing my hair, I watched, horrified but fascinated, as the flesh of my upper arms swung to and fro with the motion of the hairbrush. This was really getting scary. My body was being replaced, cleverly and fiendishly, one section at a time. In the end, in deepening despair, I gave up my T-shirts. What could they do to me next? Age? Age had nothing to do with it. Age was supposed to creep up, unnoticed and intangible, something like maturity. NO!! I was being attacked, repeatedly and without warning. That's why I've decided to share my story. I can't take on the medical profession by myself. Women of America, wake up and smell the coffee! That isn't really "plastic" those surgeons are using. You know where they're getting those replacement parts, don't you? The next time you suspect someone has had a face "lifted" ... look again! Was it lifted from you? Check out those tummy tucks and buttocks raisings. Look familiar? Are those your eyelids on that movie star? I think I finally may have found my thighs ... and I hope that Cindy Crawford paid a really good price for them! This is NOT a hoax! This is happening to women in every town every night. Warn your friends!!!!!!! Now you know why you look like you do!!!!!!! Author Unknown |
| Finally a Barbie I can relate to. At long last, here are some NEW Barbie
dolls to coincide with her and OUR aging gracefully. These are a bit more
realistic ... 1. Bifocals Barbie ... Comes with her own set of blended-lens fashion frames in six wild colors (half-frames too!), neck chain, and large-print editions of Vogue and Martha Stewart Living. 2. Hot Flash Barbie ... Press Barbie's bellybutton and watch her face turn beet red while tiny drops of perspiration appear on her forehead. Comes with handheld fan and tiny tissues. 3. Facial Hair Barbie ... As Barbie's hormone levels shift, see her whiskers grow. Available with teensy tweezers and magnifying mirror. 4. Flabby Arms Barbie ... Hide Barbie's droopy triceps with these new, roomier-sleeved gowns. Good news on the tummy front, two-MuMus with tummy-support panels are included. 5. Bunion Barbie ... Years of disco dancing in stiletto heels have definitely taken their toll on Barbie's dainty arched feet. Soothe her sores with the pumice stone and plasters, then slip on soft terry mules. 6. No-More-Wrinkles Barbie ... Erase those pesky crow's-feet and lip lines with a tube of Skin Sparkle-Spackle, from Barbie's own line of exclusive age-blasting cosmetics. 7. Soccer Mom Barbie ... All that experience as a cheerleader is really paying off as Barbie dusts off her old high school megaphone to root for Babs and Ken, Jr. Comes with minivan in robin-egg blue or white and cooler filled with doughnut holes and fruit punch. 8. Mid-life Crisis Barbie ... It's time to ditch Ken. Barbie needs a change, and Alonzo (her personal trainer) is just what the doctor ordered, along with Prozac. They're hopping in her new red Miata and heading for the Napa Valley to open a B&B. Includes a real tape of "Breaking Up Is Hard to Do." 9. Divorced Barbie ... Sells for$ 199.99. Comes with Ken's house, Ken's car, and Ken's boat. 10. Recovery Barbie ... Too many parties have finally caught up with the ultimate party girl. Now she does Twelve Steps instead of dance steps. Clean and sober, she's going to meetings religiously. Comes with a little copy of The Big Book and a six-pack of Diet Coke. 11. Post-Menopausal Barbie ... This Barbie wets her pants when she sneezes, forgets where she puts things, and cries a lot. She is sick and tired of Alonzo sitting on the couch watching the tube, clicking through the channels. Comes with Depends and Kleenex. As a bonus this year, the book "Getting In Touch with Your Inner Self" is included. Author Unknown |
| Ageless Woman ... Age 3: She looks at herself and sees a Queen. Age 8: She looks at herself and sees Cinderella. Age 15: She looks at herself and sees an Ugly Sister (Mom, I can't go to school looking like this!) Age 20: She looks at herself and sees "too fat/too thin, too short/too tall, too straight/too curly" ... but decides she's going out anyway. Age 30: She looks at herself and sees "too fat/too thin, too short/too tall, too straight/too curly" ... but decides she doesn't have time to fix it so she's going out anyway. Age 40: She looks at herself and sees "too fat/too thin, too short/too tall, too straight/too curly" but says, "At least, I am clean" and she goes out anyway. Age 50: She looks at herself and sees "I am" and goes wherever she wants to go. Age 60: She looks at herself and reminds herself of all the people who can't even see themselves in the mirror anymore. Goes out and conquers the world. Age 70: She looks at herself & sees wisdom, laughter and ability, goes out and enjoys life. Age 80: Doesn't bother to look. Just puts on a purple hat and goes out to have fun with the world. Author Unknown |
| With Age Comes Wisdom After a while you learn the subtle difference between holding a hand and chaining a soul. And you learn that love doesn't mean leaning, and company doesn't mean security. And you begin to learn that kisses aren't contracts, and presents aren't promises. And you begin to accept your defeats with your head held high and your eyes open, with the grace of a woman, not the grief of a child. And you learn to build your roads on today, because tomorrow's ground is too uncertain for plans, and futures have a way of falling down in midflight. After a while you learn that even sunshine burns if you get too much so you plant your own garden, and decorate your own soul, instead of waiting for someone to bring you flowers. And you learn that you really can endure that you really are strong and you really do have worth and you learn and learn with every goodbye you learn. Author Unknown |
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