is a woman shaking her head.
Jim Carey in Bruce Almighty
| The finalist has been named in the worldwide search for the
perfect man. After careful consideration and endless debate, The Perfect Man has been named ... MR. POTATO HEAD He's tan. He's cute. He knows the importance of accessorizing. And if he looks at another girl, you can rearrange his face. Author Unknown |
| According to a new survey, 76 percent of men
said what they look for most in a woman is a
sense of humor and a good personality. This was a survey published in Full Of Crap Magazine. Author Unknown |
| Men and women are different in the morning. The
men wake up aroused in the morning. We can't
help it. We just wake up and we want you. And the women are thinking ... 'How can he want me the way I look in the morning?' It's because we can't see you. We have no blood anywhere near our optic nerve. Author Unknown |
| WHY ARE MEN SUCH JERKS? It's a testosterone thing. Much similar to your PMS thing, we men suffer from testosterone poisoning. Why do you think the average life span of a male is typically 10 years shorter (and it's not just from all the bitching and nagging we have to endure). Hormone modifies behavior. We're just misunderstood. WHY DO MEN ALWAYS HAVE TO OGLE AT OTHER WOMEN? Again, this is a testosterone thing. Do you honestly think that all the testosterone just fell out of our bodies the moment we met you? Besides, women do it as well. Women are just much better at not getting caught. I'm fairly certain it's some sort of photographic memory deal. Women take one quick look and memorize it for later reference. Since men lack this ability, we try to burn it into our memory by staring as much as we can. WHY DO MEN ALWAYS TOUCH THEMSELVES, ESPECIALLY IN PUBLIC? We occasionally need to adjust our little friend and make him happy. It's much like adjusting your bra. Being in public is just an added bonus. WHY DO MEN ALWAYS SAY SUCH STUPID THINGS? We like to. It's actually a whole lot of fun to see our partner frustrated by a few simple (and well chosen) words. WHY ARE MEN SO UNCOMMUNICATIVE? You'd learn to keep your big mouth shut too if every time you open it you get into trouble with your partner. WHY DO MEN HAVE TO ACT LIKE SUCH RETARDS? Well, we don't actually have to; we do it because we enjoy it. It's the old fashioned pride in a job well done that's missing in so much of the world nowadays. WHY CAN'T MEN JUST SHARE THEIR FEELINGS? Do we look like women to you? Why is it so hard to understand that men and women are different? How are we supposed to share how we feel when we have no idea how we feel? Unless we're experiencing some extreme emotion like rage, hatred, disgust, or a brick on our foot, we have no idea how we feel. Personally, I get a headache whenever I try to figure out how I feel. WHY CAN'T MEN CUDDLE MORE (I.E. LIE DOWN AND HUG)? Please ... How many hours do you think there is in a day? We oblige you as much as we can, but who the hell (besides women) can stand lying around for hours on end? We men ... Men hunters ... Need go roam ... Starve in cave ... Must go find wildebeest ... Now sitting on our asses for hours on end on the other hand is a whole other story. HOW CAN MEN SIT ON THEIR ASSES ALL DAY WITHOUT MOVING? Men have very powerful sets of sitting muscles developed by evolution that enable us to sit for extended periods of time without getting tired. In prehistoric times, it was often necessary to sit in one spot for extended periods of time while hunting for prey. The more successful hunters were able to sit very still for very extended periods of time thereby passing on this ability to their progeny. The fidgety types were all gobbled up by saber-toothed tigers etc. The end result is that almost all modern men are born with this innate ability. WHY CAN'T MEN JUST SAY, "I LOVE YOU?" Men are taught from a tender young age to be self-sufficient. To say that we love you is equivalent to saying that we need you. Most men consider that a character fault. It's not easy to admit to one's own character faults. WHY DO MEN SAY "I LOVE YOU" WHEN THEY HARDLY KNOW ME? Ho, Ho, Ho ... Aren't you special? Well, some men think it's a sure fire way to get into your pants. Surprisingly, it actually still works quite well. WHY DOESN'T MY PARTNER EVER ANSWER ME? We just simply don't have the energy to answer every single one of your questions. If we think we do not have the answer, or that you will not like the answer, we simply remain quiet and save the energy for other things. WHY WON'T MEN EVER PICK UP AFTER THEMSELVES? Why should we? It doesn't really bother us that much. Besides, we know darn well you'll pick it up. WHAT'S WITH ALL THE BELCHING AND FARTING? This usually only occurs after months of courting. It's our way to let you know that we're comfortable with you. Believe it or not, it's actually a sign of affection. Besides, holding it for extended periods of time gives us stomach cramps. WHY DO MEN HATE SHOPPING? It's an evolutionary thing. Men hunt. Women gather. We just want to go out, kill it, and bring it back. Who wants to spend hours and hours to look at things we have no intention of killing? Err ... buying? Author Unknown |
| Public Service Message for Women This is a public service message for Women, to better understand the Male of our species. Why we'd want to do that, I dunno. Because I'm a man, when I lock my keys in the car I will fiddle with a wire clothes hanger and ignore your suggestions that we call 1-800 road service until long after hypothermia has set in. Because I'm a man, when the car isn't running very well, I will pop the hood and stare at the engine as if I know what I'm looking at. If another man shows up, one of us will say to the other, "I used to be able to fix these things, but now with all these computers and everything, I wouldn't know where to start." We will then drink beer. Because I'm a man, when I catch a cold I need someone to bring me soup and take care of me while I lie in bed and moan. You never get as sick as I do, so for you, this isn't an issue. Because I'm a man, I can be relied upon to purchase basic groceries at the store, like milk or bread. I cannot be expected to find exotic items like "Cumin" or "Tofu" For all I know these are the same thing. And never, under any circumstances, expect me to pick up anything for which "feminine hygiene product" is a euphemism. Because I'm a man, when one of our appliances stops working I will insist on taking it apart, despite evidence that this will just cost me twice as much once the repair person gets here and has to put it back together. Because I'm a man, I must hold the television remote control in my hand while I watch TV. If the thing has been misplaced, I may miss a whole show look! ing for it (though one time I was able to survive by holding a calculator). Because I'm a man, I don't think we're all that lost, and no, I don't think we should stop and ask someone. Why would you listen to a complete stranger-I mean, how the heck could he know where we're going? Because I'm a man, there is no need to ask me what I'm thinking about. The answer is always either sex, racing or football, though I have to make up something else when you ask, so don't. Because I'm a man, I do not want to visit your mother, or have your mother come visit us, or talk to her when she calls, or think about her any more than I have to. Whatever you got her for Mother's Day is okay, I don't need to see it. And don't forget to pick up something for my mom too. Because I'm a man, you don't have to ask me if I liked the movie. Chances are, if you're crying at the end of it, I didn't. Because I'm a man, I think what you're wearing is fine. I thought what you were wearing five minutes ago was fine, too. Either pair of shoes is fine. With the belt or without it looks fine. Your hair is fine. You look fine. Can we just go now? Because I'm a man, and this is, after all, the 21st Century, I will share equally in the housework. You just do the laundry, the cooking, the gardening, the cleaning, and the dishes. I'll do the rest. Author Unknown |
| Q & A ... Q: What is the thinnest book in the world? A: What men know about women. Q: How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: One. Men will screw anything. Q: How does a man take a bubble bath? A: He eats beans for dinner. Q: Why do women rub their eyes when they wake up? A: Because they don't have balls. Q: Why don't men eat M&M's? A: They are too hard to peel. Q: What do you call a man with an I.Q. of 50? A: Gifted. Q: What's a man's idea of foreplay? A: A half hour of begging. Q: How can you tell if a man is sexually excited? A: He's breathing. Q: What's the difference between men & government bonds? A: Bonds mature. Q: How do you save a man from drowning? A: Take your foot off his head. Q: What do men and beer bottles have in common? A: They're both empty from the neck up. Q: How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper? A: We don't know, it's never happened. Q: How are men and parking spaces alike? A: The good ones are always taken and the ones that are left are handicapped. Q: Why are blonde jokes so short? A: So men can remember them. Author Unknown |
| There are three kinds of men ... The one that learns by reading ... The few who
learn by observation ... The rest of them have to pee on the electric fence
for themselves. From 'The Wisdom of Will Rogers' |
| More Q & A ... Q: What should you do when you see ex-husband rolling around in pain on the ground? A: Shoot him again. Q: Why do little boys whine? A: They're practicing to be men. Q: How many men does it take to screw in a lightbulb? A: One ... he just holds it up there and wait for the world to revolve around him. Or Alternate answer ... Three. One to screw in the bulb, and two to listen to him brag about the screwing part. Q: What do you call a handcuffed man? A: Trustworthy. Q: What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath and calling your name? A: You didn't hold the pillow down long enough. Q: Why does it take 100,000,000 sperm to fertilize one egg? A: Because not one will stop and ask for directions. Q: What's the best way to kill a man? A: Put a six-pack and a naked woman in front of him and ask him to choose just one. Q: What do men and pantyhose have in common? A: They either cling, run, or don't fit right in the crotch. Q: Why do men whistle while they're on the toilet? A: Because it helps them remember which end they need to wipe. Q: What is the difference between men and women? A: A woman wants one man to satisfy her every need. A man wants every woman to satisfy his one need. Q: How does a man keep his youth? A: By giving her money, diamonds, and furs. Q: How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mail? A: Rename the mail folder to "instruction manuals." Author Unknown |
| For all those men who believe that there's no reason
to buy the cow when you can get the milk free. Nowadays 80% of women are against marriage, as they
have wised up to the fact that for 8 oz. of sausage it's not worth buying the entire pig! Author Unknown |
| Mood Ring: My Husband, not happy with my mood swings, bought me a mood ring the other day so he would be able to monitor my moods. When I'm in a good mood it turns green. When I'm in a bad mood it leaves a big fuckin' red mark on his forehead. Maybe he will buy me a diamond next time. Author Unknown |
| Marriage Mirands Rights For Men ... You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be misquoted AND MISUNDERSTOOD AND then used AND HELD against you FOREVER. Author Unknown |
| How To Speak About MEN and be POLITICALLY CORRECT: He does not have a BEER GUT He has developed a LIQUID GRAIN STORAGE FACILITY He is not a BAD DANCER He is OVERLY CAUCASIAN He does not GET LOST ALL THE TIME He INVESTIGATES ALTERNATIVE DESTINATIONS He is not BALDING He is in FOLLICLE REGRESSION He is not a CRADLE ROBBER He prefers GENERATIONALLY DIFFERENTIAL RELATIONSHIPS He does not get FALLING-DOWN DRUNK- He becomes ACCIDENTALLY HORIZONTAL He does not act like a TOTAL ASS He develops a case of RECTAL-CRANIAL INVERSION He is not a SEX MACHINE He is ROMANTICALLY AUTOMATED He is not a MALE CHAUVINIST PIG He has SWINE EMPATHY He is not afraid of COMMITMENT He is MONOGAMOUSLY CHALLENGED He does not UNDRESS YOU WITH HIS EYES He has an INTROSPECTIVE GRAPHIC MOMENTS Author Unknown |
| At Last Someone Summed It Up ...
The nice men are ugly. The handsome men are not nice. The handsome and nice men are gay. The handsome, nice and heterosexual men are married. The men who are not so handsome, but are nice men, have no money. The men who are not so handsome, but are nice men with money think we are only after their money. The handsome men without money are after our money. The handsome men, who are not so nice and somewhat heterosexual, don't think we are beautiful enough. The men who think we are beautiful, that are heterosexual, somewhat nice and have money, are cowards. The men who are somewhat handsome, somewhat nice and have some money and thank God are heterosexual, are shy and NEVER MAKE THE FIRST MOVE! The men who never make the first move, automatically lose interest in us when we take the initiative. NOW ... WHO IN THE HECK UNDERSTANDS MEN? Author Unknown |
| What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying?
The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving. Author Unknown |
| 1. Don't imagine you can change a man unless he's in
diapers. 2. What do you do if your boyfriend walks-out? You shut the door. 3. If they put a man on the moon ... they should be able to put them all up there. 4. Never let your man's mind wander ... it's too little to be out alone. 5. Go for younger men. You might as well, they never mature anyway. 6. Men are all the same ... they just have different faces, so that you can tell them apart. 7. Definition of a bachelor; a man who has missed the opportunity to make some woman miserable. 8. Women don't make fools of men ... most of them are the do-it-yourself types. 9. Best way to get a man to do something, is to suggest they are too old for it. 10. Love is blind, but marriage is a real eye-opener. 11. If you want a committed man, look in a mental hospital. 12. The children of Israel wandered around the desert for 40 years. Even in biblical times, men wouldn't ask for directions. 13. If he asks what sort of books you're interested in, tell him checkbooks. 14. Remember a sense of humor does not mean that you tell him jokes, it means that you laugh at his. 15. Sadly, all men are created equal. Author Unknown |
| What Men Want - a Dennis Miller Rant "I know the myth is that men want: Traci Lords in the bedroom ... Julia Child in the kitchen ... Hazel around the house ... Lesley Visser during a game ... Mary Poppins for the children ... Cha Cha Muldowney in traffic ... Dr. Quinn Medicine Chick when we're sick ... Mary Richards at work ... Mother Theresa when we come home with leprosy ... Gertrude Stein in conversation ... the body of Sophia Loren in 'Boy on a Dolphin' combined with the voice of Sade ... and to top it all off ... the IQ of Anna Nicole Smith, because we don't want to feel too threatened. So if that's the myth of what we want, what's the reality? Well, first put that Cosmo article down right now and back slowly away from the magazine. Now go to the window and take a deep breath. You must clear your head of bullshit articles like "How to Trick Your Man into Cooking Tex-Mex". Trick me? How about asking me? And then I'll be able to tell you I don't have a f***ing clue what Tex-Mex is, okay?! All right, I'm not supposed to do this. I'm not supposed to reveal the master list to all you non-tripods, but what the hell ... here goes: Here's what men want from women. One through Ten: 1. We want you to understand that we don't give a shit about clothes. All right! Yours or ours. All we need is one pair of tennies and a pair of church shoes. That's it! 2. Don't talk to us when the television is on. All right! Very simple ... television is off ... we talk. Television is on ... we don't talk. 3. When you're behind the wheel of a car and want to get aggressive ... that's fine, but don't give somebody the finger and expect me to defend your honor when steroid lad comes over swinging a pair of nunchucks. 4. Would it kill you to watch Godfather with me for the 57th time? 5. Hey, I'm sorry that some of us see a beautiful sunset and think, "Hey I betcha' my accountant is boning me up the ass!" 6. You go see Nell by yourself. I met enough chicks like that at Helena's when I was single. 7. Have a sense of humor. Without a sense of humor a relationship lasts as long as William Burrows in the Boston Marathon. 8. Work out your job related anger before we have sex. Just because Helmut, the office boy, brought you a cup of lima bean consume, instead of a bowl of lima bean consume from Soup Plantation ... I don't want to end up in the friction burn ward at Ceder's Sinai. 9. Don't ask us to cry. As much as you say you want us to cry ... you hate it when we cry. I've tried crying in front of my wife ... she enjoyed it for about 30 seconds and started thinking, "Why in the f*** did I marry this hamster?" 10. Be patient. Hold us. Love us unconditionally. Help us out of this testostorone enduced fog, and lead us into the light ... Or if that's asking too much how's 'bout a big sloppy blowjob once in awhile! "Of course that's just my opinion ..." Author Unknown |
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Wild Thing |
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