| Doggy Dictionary
LEASH: A strap which attaches to your collar, enabling you to lead your person where you want him/her to go. DOG BED: Any soft, clean surface, such as the white bedspread in the guest room or the newly upholstered couch in the living room. DROOL: Is what you do when your persons have food and you don't. To do this properly you must sit as close as you can and look sad and let the drool fall to the floor or better yet, on their laps. SNIFF: A social custom to use when you greet other dogs. Place your nose as close as you can to the other dogs rear end and inhale deeply, repeat several times, or until your person makes you stop. GARBAGE CAN: A container which your neighbors put out once a week to test your ingenuity. You must stand on your hind legs and try to push the lid off with your nose. If you do it right you are rewarded with margarine wrappers to shred, beef bones to consume and moldy crusts of bread. BICYCLES: Two-wheeled exercise machines, invented for dogs to control body fat. To get maximum aerobic benefit, you must hide behind a bush and dash out, bark loudly and run alongside for a few yards; the person then swerves and falls into the bushes, and you prance away. DEAFNESS: This is a malady which affects dogs when their person want them in and they want to stay out. Symptoms include staring blankly at the person, then running in the opposite direction, or lying down. THUNDER: This is a signal that the world is coming to an end. Humans remain amazingly calm during thunderstorms, so it is necessary to warn them of the danger by trembling uncontrollably, panting, rolling your eyes wildly, and following at their heels. WASTEBASKET: This is a dog toy filled with paper, envelopes, and old candy wrapper. When you get bored, turn over the basket and strew the papers all over the house until your person comes home. SOFAS: Are to dogs like napkins are to people. After eating it is polite to run up and down the front of the sofa and wipe your whiskers clean. BATH: This is a process by which the humans drench the floor, walls and themselves. You can help by shaking vigorously and frequently. LOVE: Is a feeling of intense affection, given freely and without restriction. The best way you can show your love in return is to wag your tail. If you're lucky, a human will love you in return. |
| DOG PROPERTY LAWS 1. If I like it, it's mine. 2. If it's in my mouth, it's mine. 3. If I can take it from you, it's mine. 4. If I had it a little while ago, it's mine. 5. If it's mine, it must never appear to be yours in any way. 6. If I'm chewing something up, all the pieces are mine. 7. If it just looks like mine, it's mine. 8. If I saw it first, it's mine. 9. If you are playing with something and you put it down, it automatically becomes mine. 10. If it's broken, it's yours |
| LIFE LESSONS LEARNED FROM A DOG: 1. If you stare at someone long enough, eventually you'll get what you want. 2. Don't go out without ID. 3. Be direct with people; let them know exactly how you feel by piddling on their shoes. 4. Be aware of when to hold your tongue, and when to use it. 5. Leave room in your schedule for a good nap. 6. Always give people a friendly greeting. A cold nose in the crotch is most effective. 7. When you do something wrong, always take responsibility (as soon as you're dragged shamefully out from under the bed). 8. If it's not wet and sloppy, it's not a real kiss. |
| BASIC DOG RULES
NEWSPAPERS: If you have to go to the bathroom while playing in the front yard, always use the newspaper that's placed in the driveway every morning for that purpose. VISITORS: Quickly determine which guest is afraid of dogs. Charge across the room, barking loudly and leap playfully on this person. If the human falls down on the floor and starts crying, lick its face and growl gently to show your concern. BARKING: Because you are a dog, you are expected to bark. So bark ... a lot. Your owners will be very happy to hear you protecting their house. Especially late at night while they are sleeping safely in their beds. There is no more secure feeling for a human than to keep waking up in the middle of the night and hearing your protective bark, bark, bark... LICKING: Always take a BIG drink from your water dish immediately before licking your human. Humans prefer clean tongues. Be ready to fetch your human a towel. HOLES: Rather than digging a BIG hole in the middle of the yard and upsetting your human, dig a lot of smaller holes all over the yard so they won't notice. If you arrange a little pile of dirt on one side of each hole, maybe they'll think it's gophers. There are never enough holes in the ground. Strive daily to do your part to help correct this problem. DOORS: The area directly in front of a door is always reserved for the family dog to sleep. THE ART OF SNIFFING: Humans like to be sniffed. Everywhere. It is your duty, as the family dog, to accommodate them. DINING ETIQUETTE: Always sit under the table at dinner, especially when there are guests, so you can clean up any food that falls on the floor. It's also a good time to practice your sniffing. HOUSEBREAKING: Housebreaking is very important to humans, so break as much of the house as possible. GOING FOR WALKS: Rules of the road: When out for a walk with your master or mistress, never go to the bathroom on your own lawn. COUCHES: It is perfectly permissible to lie on the new couch after all your humans have gone to bed. PLAYING: If you lose your footing while chasing a ball or stick, use the flower bed to absorb your fall so you don't injure yourself. CHASING CATS: When chasing cats, make sure you never quite catch them. It spoils all the fun. CHEWING: Make a contribution to the fashion industry ... Eat a shoe. |
| How to tell if your dog has a problem:
1) Does your dog know the spelling, Latin root, and French translation of the word "walk"? Yet is unable to grasp the meaning of "come". 2) Does your dog immediately leap on a cat, bunny rabbit, or children upon hearing the words "Don't worry he LOVES cats, bunny rabbits, children"? 3) Is your dog shameless? graceless? without dignity? Way too in touch with his inner puppy? 4) Does he wake you up in the middle of the night to warn you of the dangers of a kitchen chair? Then sleep through the theft of all your valuable possessions? 5) Does he develop a tragic and profound deafness at the sound of "it's time to go home"? Yet possess bionic hearing at the sound of a can opener? |
and I know no greater insult to the canine race
that to describe it as such.
The dog can do many things which man
cannot do never could do and will never do.
bones would rain from the sky.
with him and not only will he not scold you
he will make a fool of himself too
he wags his tail instead of his tongue
of which we know nothing,
which so occupy and absorb his attention as to make
him practically blind to everything about him
and deaf to all sounds even to his master's
voice impatiently calling him
A minister, rabbi, counseler, wise friend or a therapist
My own wise friend is my dog
He has deep knowledge to impart.
He makes friends easily and doesn't hold a grudge
He enjoys simple pleasures and takes each day as it comes
Best of all he befriends me with an unconditional love
that human beings would do well to imitate.
surely the dog is the one that really
shares our life
helps in our work
and has a place in our recreation
It is the only one that becomes so fond of us that sometimes
it cannot go on living after its master dies.
like a puppy licking your face
| A Poem for the New Puppy Owner
Don't smell crotches, Don't eat plants. Don't steal food or underpants. Don't eat my socks, Don't grab my hair... DON'T RIP THE STUFFING FROM THAT CHAIR! Don't eat those peas! Don't touch that bush! Don't chew my shoes... What IS that mush? Eat your cookie, Drink your drink, Outta the toilet! Outta the sink! AWAY FROM THE CAT BOX, IT'S FOR THE CAT! (And MUST you kiss me after that???) Yes, raising a puppy, Is not for the lazy! Though puppies are funny, They're also quite crazy. But don't despair, Though its toil and strife. After 3 years, you'll get back your life! So, let's go for "walkies", You can "do your thing" (And perhaps I'll get back my DIAMOND RING!) |
| Top 20 Reasons Why Dogs Don't Use Computers
20. Can't stick their heads out of Windows '95. 19. Fetch command not available on all platforms. 18. Hard to read the monitor with your head cocked to one side. 17. Too difficult to "mark" every web site they visit. 16. Can't help attacking the screen when they hear "You've Got Mail." 15. Fire hydrant icon simply frustrating. 14. Involuntary tail wagging is a dead give away they're browsing www.pethouse.com instead of working. 13. Keep bruising noses trying to catch that MPEG Frisbee. 12. Not at all fooled by Chuckwagon Screen Saver. 11. Still trying to come up with an "emoticon" that signifies tail-wagging. 10. Oh, but they WILL ... with the introduction of the Microsoft Opposable Thumb. 9. Three words: Carpal Paw Syndrome. 8. 'Cause dogs ain't GEEKS! Now, cats, on the other hand ... 7. Barking in the next cube keeps activating YOUR voice recognition software. 6. SmellU-SmellMe is still in beta test. 5. SIT and STAY were hard enough; DIR and GREP are out of the question! 4. Saliva-coated mouse difficult to maneuver. 3. Annoyed by lack of newsgroup: alt.pictures.master's.leg. 2. Butt-sniffing more direct and less deceiving than online chat rooms. And The #1 Reason Dogs Don't Use Computers ... 1. TrO{gO DsA mM,bN Hyarqr4tDc TgrOo TgYPmE WeIjTyH P;AzW (Too damn hard to type with paws.) |
| A Dogs New Year's Resolutions
I will not play tug-of-war with Dad's underwear when he's on the toilet. The garbage collector is NOT stealing our stuff. I do not need to suddenly stand straight up when I'm lying under the coffee table. I will not roll my toys behind the fridge. I must shake the rainwater out of my fur BEFORE entering the house. I will not eat the cats' food, before or after they eat it. I will stop trying to find the few remaining pieces of clean carpet in the house when I am about to throw up. I will not throw up in the car. I will not roll on dead seagulls, fish, crabs, etc. I will not lick my human's face after eating animal poop. "Kitty box crunchies" are not food. I will not eat any more socks and then redeposit them in the backyard after processing. The diaper pail is not a cookie jar. I will not wake Mommy up by sticking my cold, wet nose up her bottom end. I will not chew my human's toothbrush and not tell them. I will not chew crayons or pens, especially not the red ones, or my people will think I am hemorrhaging. When in the car, I will not insist on having the window rolled down when it's raining outside. We do not have a doorbell. I will not bark each time I hear one on TV I will not steal my Mom's underwear and dance all over the back yard with it. The sofa is not a face towel. Neither are Mom & Dad's laps. My head does not belong in the refrigerator. I will not bite the officer's hand when he reaches in for Mom's driver's license and car registration. |
| You Know You're a Dog Person When ...
1) You have a kiddie wading pool in the yard, but no small children. 2) Lintwheels are on your shopping list every week. 3) You have baby gates permanently installed at strategic places around the house, but no babies. 4) The trash basket is more or less permanently installed in the kitchen sink, to keep the dog out of it while you're at work. 5) You can't see out the passenger side of the windshield because there are nose-prints all over the inside. 6) Poop has become a source of conversation for you and your significant other. 7) You refer to yourselves as Mommy and Daddy. 8) Your dog sleeps with you. 9) You have 32 different names for your dog. Most make no sense, but she understands. 10) Your dog eats cat poop, but you still let her kiss you (but not immediately afterward, of course). 11) You like people who like your dog. You despise people who don't. 12) You carry dog biscuits in your purse or pocket at all times. 13) You talk about your dog the way other people talk about their kid. 14) You sign and send birthday/anniversary/Christmas cards from your dog. 15) You put an extra blanket on the bed so your dog can be comfortable. 16) You'd rather stay home on Saturday night and cuddle your dog than go to the movies with your sweetie. 17) You go to the pet supply store every Saturday because it's one of the very few places that lets you bring your dog inside, and your dog loves to go with you. 18) You open your purse, and that big bunch of baggies you use for pick-ups pops out. 19) You don't think it's the least bit strange to stand in the back yard chirping "Meg, pee!" over and over again, while Meg tends to play and forget what she's out there for (but what your neighbors think of your behavior is yet another story). 20) You and the dog come down with something like flu on the same day. Your dog sees the vet while you settle for an over-the-counter remedy from the drugstore. 21) Your dog is getting old and arthritic, so you go buy lumber and build her a small staircase so she can climb onto the bed by herself. 22) Your license plate or license plate frame mentions your dog. 23) You match your furniture/carpet/clothes to your dog. 24) You have your dog's picture on your office desk (but no one else's) 25) You lecture people on responsible dog ownership every chance you get. 26) You hang around the dog section of your local bookstore. 27) You skip breakfast so you can walk your dog in the morning before work. 28) You are the only idiot walking in the pouring rain because your dog needs her walk. 29) You don't go to happy hours with co-workers any more because you need to go home and see your dog. 30) Your parents refer to your pet as their granddog. 31) Your friend's dog acts as Best Dog at your wedding. 32) Your weekend activities are planned around taking your dog for a hike (both days). 33) You keep an extra water dish in your second-floor bedroom, in case your dog gets thirsty at night (after all, her other dish is way down on the first floor...). 34) Your freezer contains more dog bones than anything else. 35) You never completely finish a piece of steak or chicken (so your dog gets a taste, too). 36) You shovel a zig-zag path in the back yard snow so your dog can reach all her favorite spots. 37) You avoid vacuuming the house as long as possible because your dog is afraid of the vacuum cleaner. 38) You keep eating even after finding a dog hair in your pasta. 39) You make popcorn just to play catch with your dog. 40) You carry pictures of your dog in your wallet instead of pictures of your parents, siblings, significant other, or anyone else remotely human 41) And the number one reason you know you're a dog person: Your dog is the star of your Web site! |
| Near this spot are deposited the remains of one who possessed beauty without vanity, strength without insolence, courage without ferocity and all the virtues of man without his vices. It is all one to the dog and all one to you and nothing is gained and nothing lost. But there is one best place to bury a dog. One place that is best of all. The one best place to bury a good dog is in the heart of his master. People may scoff at you, who see not the lightest blade of grass bent by his footfall, who hear no whimper pitched too fine for mere audition, people who may never really have had a dog. Smile at them, for you shall know something that is hidden from them and which is well worth the knowing. |
| The Puppy for Sale
A store owner was taking a sign above his door that read "Puppies for Sale". Signs like that have a way of attracting small children, and sure enough, a little boy appeared under the sotre owner's sign. "How much are you going to sell the puppies for?" he asked. The store owner replied "Anywhere from $30 to $50." The little boy reached in his pocket and pulled out some change." I have $2.37," he said. "Can I please look at them?" The store owner smiled and whistled and out of the kennel come Lady, who ran down the aisle of his store followed by five teeny, tiny balls of fur. One puppy was lagging considerably behind. Immediately the little boy singled out the lagging, limping puppy and said, "What's wrong with that little dog?" The store owner explained that the veteranian had examined the little puppy and had discovered it didn't have a hip socket. It would always limp. It would always be lame. The little boy became excited. "That is the puppy that I want to buy." "If you really want him, I'll give him to you." The little boy was quite upset. He looked straight into the store owner's eyes, point his finger, and said,"I don't want you give him to me. That little dog is worth every bit as mich as all the other dogs and I'll pay full price. In fact, I'll give you $2.37 now, and 50 cents a month until I have him paid for." The store owner countered "You really don't want to buy this little dog. He is never going to be able to run and jump and play with you like the other puppies." To his surprise, the little boy reached down and rolled up his pant leg to reveal a badly twisted, crippled left leg supported by a big metal brace. He looked up at the store owner and softly replied,"Well, I dont' run so well myself, and the little puppy will need some who understands!" |
| Treat me kindly
My beloved master, for no heart in all the world is more grateful for kindness than the loving heart of me. Do not break my spirit with a stick, for though I should lick your hand between the blows, your patience and understanding will quickly teach me the things you would have me do. Speak to me often, for your voice is the world’s sweetest music, as you must know by the fierce wagging of my tail when your footsteps falls upon my waiting ear. When it is cold and wet, please take me inside, for I am now a domesticated animal, no longer used to bitter elements. And I ask no greater glory than the privilege of sitting at your feet beside the hearth. Though had you no home, I would rather follow you through ice and snow than rest upon the softest pillow in the warmest home in all the land, for you are my god and I am your devoted worshiper. Keep my pan filled with fresh water, for although I should not reproach you were it dry, I cannot tell you when I suffer thirst. Feed me clean food, that I may stay well, to romp and play and do your bidding, to walk by your side, and stand ready, willing and able to protect you with my life should your life be in danger. And, beloved master, should the great Master see fit to deprive me of my health or sight, do not turn me away from you. Rather hold me gently in your arms as skilled hands grant me the merciful bond of eternal rest. And I will leave you knowing with the last breath I drew, my fate was ever safest in your hands. |
| Heaven's Doggy-Door
My best friend closed his eyes last night, As his head was in my hand. The Doctors said he was in pain, And it was hard for him to stand. The thoughts that scurried through my head, As I cradled him in my arms. Were of his younger, puppy years, And OH...his many charms. Today, there was no gentle nudge With an intense "I love you gaze", Only a heart thats filled with tears Remembering our joy filled days. But an Angel just appeared to me, And he said, "You should cry no more, God also loves our canine friends, He's installed a "doggy-door"! |
| Little Dog Angel
High up in the courts of heaven today A little dog angel waits; With the other angels he will not play, But he sits alone at the gates. For I know my master will come, says he, And when he comes he will call for me. The other angels pass him by As they hurry toward the throne, And he watches them with a wistful eye As he sits at the gates alone. But I know if I just wait patiently That someday my master will call for me. And his master, down on earth below, As he sits in his easy chair, Forgets sometimes, and whispers low To the dog, who is not there. And the little dog angel cocks his ears And dreams that his masters voice he hears. And when at last his master waits Outside in the dark and cold, For the hand of death to open the door, That leads to those courts of gold, He will hear a sound through the gathering dark, A little dogs angels bark. |
| "If It Should Be"
If it should be that I grow weak, And pain should keep me from my sleep, Then you must do what must be done, For this last battle cannot be won. You will be sad, I understand, Don't let your grief then stay your hand, For this day more than all the rest, Your love for me must stand the test. We've had so many happy years, What is to come can hold no fears, You'd not want me to suffer so, The time has come, please let me go. Take me where my need they'll tend, And please stay with me until the end, I know in time that you will see, The kindness that you did for me, Although my tail its last has waved, From pain and suffering I've been saved. Please do not grieve, it must be you Who had this painful thing to do, We've been so close, we two, these years, Don't let your heart hold back its tears. |
| Do I Go Home Today?
My family brought me home cradled in their arms. They cuddled me and smiled at me and said I was full of charm. They played with me and laughed with me and showered me with toys. I sure do love my family, especially the girls and boys. The children loved to feed me, they gave me special treats. They even let me sleep with them - all snuggled in the sheets. I used to go for walks, often several times a day. They even fought to hold the leash, I'm very proud to say. These are the things I'll not forget - a cherished memory, because I now live in the shelter - without my family. They used to laugh and praise me when I played with that old shoe. But I didn't know the difference between the old ones and the new. The kids and I would grab a rag, for hours we would tug. So I thought I did the right thing when I chewed the bedroom rug. They said that I was out of control, and would have to live outside. This I did not understand, although I tried and tried. The walks stopped, one by one; they said they hadn't time. I wish that I could change things, I wish I knew my crime. My life became so lonely, in the back yard, on a chain. I barked and barked, all day long, just to keep from going insane. So they brought me to the shelter, but were embarrassed to say why. They said I caused an allergy, then they each kissed me goodbye. If I'd only had some classes, when I was just a little pup, then I would have been a better dog when I was all grown up. "You only have one day left." I heard the worker say. Does that mean I have a second chance? DO I GO HOME TODAY? |
| Rites of Passage
Some of the most poignant moments I spend as a veterinarian are those spent with my clients assisting the transition of my animal patients from this world to the next. When living becomes a burden, whether from pain or loss of normal functions, I can help a family by ensuring that their beloved pet has an easy passing. Making this final decision is painful, and I have often felt powerless to comfort the grieving owners. That was before I met Shane. I had been called to examine a ten-year-old blue heeler named Belker who had developed a serious health problem. The dog's owners - Ron, his wife, Lisa, and their little boy, Shane - were all very attached to Belker and they were hoping for a miracle. I examined Belker and found he was dying of cancer. I told the family there were no miracles left for Belker, and offered to perform the euthanasia procedure for the old dog in their home. As we made arrangements, Ron and Lisa told me they thought it would be good for the four- year-old Shane to observe the procedure. They felt Shane could learn something from the experience. The next day, I felt the familiar catch in my throat as Belker's family surrounded him. Shane seemed so calm, petting the old dog for the last time, that I wondered if he understood what was going on. Within a few minutes, Belker slipped peacefully away. The little boy seemed to accept Belker's transition without any difficulty or confusion. We sat together for a while after Belker's death, wondering aloud about the sad fact that animal lives are shorter than human lives. Shane, who had been listening quietly, piped up, "I know why." Startled, we all turned to him. What came out of his mouth next stunned me - I'd never heard a more comforting explanation. He said, "Everybody is born so that they can learn how to live a good life - like loving everybody and being nice, right?" The four-year-old continued, "Well, animals already know how to do that, so they don't have to stay as long." By Robin Downing, D.V.M. from Chicken Soup for the Pet Lover's Soul Copyright 1998 by Jack Canfield, Mark Victor Hansen, Marty Becker and Carol Kline |
| "This is heaven, sir," the attendant answered.
"Wow! Would you happen to have some water?" the man asked.
"Of course, sir. Come right in, and I'll have some ice water brought right up."
The attendant gestured, and the gate began to open.
"Can my friend," gesturing toward his dog, "come in, too?" the traveler asked.
"I'm sorry, sir, but we don't accept pets.: The man thought a moment and then turned back toward the road and continued the way he had been going. After another long walk, and at the top of another long hill, he came to a dirt road which led through a farm gate that looked as if it had never been closed. There was no fence. As he approached the gate, he saw a man inside leaning against a tree and reading a book. "Excuse me!" he called to the reader. "Do you have any water?" "Yeah, sure, there's a pump over there." The man pointed to a place that couldn't be seen from the outside the gate. "Come on in." "How about my friend here?" the traveler gestured to the dog. "There should be a bowl by the pump." They went through the gate, and sure enough, there was an old fashioned hand pump with a bowl beside it. The traveler filled the bowl and put it down for the dog. While the dog was drinking, he took a long drink directly from the pump. When they were full, he and the dog walked back toward the man who was standing by the tree waiting for them. "What do you call this place?" the traveler asked. "This is heaven," was the answer. "Well, that's confusing," the traveler said. "The man down the road said that was heaven, too." "Oh, you mean the place with the gold street and pearly gates? Nope. That's hell." "Doesn't it make you mad for them to use your name like that?" the traveler asked. "No. I can see how you might think so, but we're just happy that they screen out the folks who'll leave their best friends behind." |
| She Knew
Soon after my husband and I moved with our three young sons to a small Ohio town, one of God's most precious creatures found her way to us. She was a shiny black Labrador Retriever, perfect in every way, except for the absence of a tail. She was beautifully trained and, since her coat and footpads showed no signs of wear or hard living, I assumed she'd just recently gotten away from her owner. I advertised in every local paper, and checked with all the vets in the area, for surely someone was grieving her loss! I leashed her and took her for long walks, hoping she'd find her way home. The only thing she found was the scent of a few rabbits that had earlier crossed our path! When it became clear that we weren't going to find her owner, my boys began the delicate process of choosing her name. After much deliberation, it was selected -- Pooch. I thought such a sleek, elegant canine deserved a more suitable name, but I was resoundingly outvoted. Since she was a stray, our vet had no way of determining if she'd been born without a tail, lost it in an accident, or had it surgically removed, nor would she say. When Pooch found us, she was young, although not quite a puppy. As my boys grew, she matured along with them. She played ball, absorbed their tears, kept them warm, and tolerated the gradual addition of three cats to the household. She saved also our lives. One day, while my husband was at work, my sons and I went upstairs to take naps. Pooch usually joined us, being careful to share herself equally between my bed and the boys'. But on this day, she wouldn't settle down, and persisted in jumping on my bed, head-butting me, and pushing her cold nose forcefully into my hand. When I didn't get up, she began barking. Not wanting her to awaken the boys, I followed her downstairs, as she seemed to want me to do. In the kitchen, I found the pilot light on our ancient stove had gone out, slowly filling the house with deadly gas! She never understood that she was a seventy-five pound dog. When a cat sat on the deep windowsills of our big old Victorian house, Pooch tried to do the same. When a cat dozed on the arm of the sofa, Pooch attempted to do likewise, with predictable (and hilarious) results. I tried not to let her see me laugh, for she had great dignity and would have been humiliated. She thought she was a lap dog, and would curl herself up into the smallest possible configuration as I sat reading, my legs falling quickly asleep from her weight. Years passed, and our sons graduated from high school, went on to college out of state, and moved on with their lives. Pooch remained with me, my faithful companion and steadfast provider of vast quantities of unconditional love. Gradually, she began having difficulty walking, and her eyesight began to fade. Over time, the vet and I had frequent talks, constantly re-evaluating her condition because we wanted her to live as long as possible, yet not to suffer or be in pain. Eventually, when she was fifteen, the time came for the vet and me to have the talk that no pet owner ever wants to experience, about a decision no pet lover ever wants to make. I went home and brought each of the cats to her to say their goodbyes. I curled up next to her and had a long talk with her. I thanked her for all the joy she had brought to us, for being a hero and saving our lives, and I told her how very much we loved her. Between sobs, I said, "I really don't want to have to do this." I wrapped her in her favorite blanket and we got into the back seat of a friend's car for our last ride together. I talked to her all the way, petting her beautiful, regal head and hugging her tight against me. I know the exact moment that her spirit left her body with a sigh. I carried her into the vet's office and said, "She's already gone." The vet put a stethoscope to her chest and confirmed what I already knew. The vet told me, "She knew you didn't want to have to do this, so she made it easy for you... she always was a good dog." |
| Dog Haiku
I love my master; Thus I perfume myself with This long-rotten squirrel. I lie belly-up In the sunshine, happier than You ever will be Today I sniffed Many dog butts - I celebrate By kissing your face. I sound the alarm! Paperboy - come to kill us all - Look! Look! Look! Look! Look! I sound the alarm! Mailman Fiend - come to kill us all - Look! Look! Look! Look! Look! I sound the alarm! Meter reader - come to kill all - Look! Look! Look! Look! Look! I sound the alarm! Garbage man - come to kill all - Look! Look! Look! Look! Look! I sound the alarm! Neighbor's cat - come to kill all! Look! Look! Look! Look! Look! I lift my leg and Wiz on each bush. Hello, Spot - Sniff this and weep. How do I love thee? The ways are numberless as My hairs on the rug. My human is home! I am so ecstatic I have Made a puddle. I hate my choke chain - Look, world, they strangle me! Ack Ack Ack Ack Ack Ack! Sleeping here, my chin On your foot - no greater bliss - well, Maybe catching cats. Look in my eyes and Deny it. No human could Love you as much I do. Dig under fence - why? Because it's there. Because it's There. Because it's there. I am your best friend, Now, always, and especially When you are eating. You may call them fleas, But they are far more - I call Them a vocation. My owners' mood is Romantic - I lie near their Feet. I blow a big one. Any of this sound familiar? |
| How To Photograph A Puppy
1. Remove film from box and load camera. 2. Remove film box from puppy's month and throw in trash. 3. Remove puppy from trash and brush coffee grounds from muzzle. 4. Choose a suitable background for photo. 5. Mount camera on tripod, check flash and focus. 6. Find puppy and take dirty sock from mouth. 7. Place puppy in pre-focused spot and return to camera. 8. Forget about spot and crawl after puppy on knees. 9. Focus with one hand while fending off puppy with other hand. 10. Get tissue and clean nose print from lens. 11. Put cat outside and put peroxide on the scratch on puppy's nose. 12. Put magazines back on coffee table. 13. Try to get puppy's attention by squeaking toy over your head. 14. Replace your glasses and check camera for damage. 15. Jump up in time to grab puppy by scruff of neck and say- "No, no outside!" 16. Call spouse to help clean up the mess. 17. Fix a drink. 18. Sit back in chair, put your feet up, sip your drink and resolve to teach puppy "sit" and "stay" the first thing in the morning. |
| "How Many Dogs Does It Take To Change A Light Bulb?"
ROTTWEILER: Just one. You want to make something of it? DOBERMAN: Immediately decides to change the brand of light bulb and find a more efficient form of lighting ... perhaps a fluorescent bulb. AUSTRALIAN SHEPHERD: One, but just "try" to convince them that the burned out bulb is useless and should be thrown away. JACK RUSSELL TERRIER: Two, but the job never gets done .. they just keep arguing about who is supposed to do it and how it's supposed to be done! BULLDOG: Just one. But it takes them three years to do it. POMERANIANS: don't change light bulbs, although sometimes their agent will get a German Shepherd in to do the job for them while they're out. PUG: Er, two. Or maybe one. No ... on second thought, make that two. Is that OK with you? GOLDEN RETRIEVER: The sun is shining, the day is young, we've got our whole lives ahead of us, and you're inside worrying about a stupid burned-out light bulb? AFGHAN: Light bulb? What light bulb? SHIBA-INU: Zero! Shibas aren't afraid of the dark! SCHIPPERKE: It's your light bulb ... change it yourself. Unless ... Is there food involved?? POODLE: Sorry, Just had my nails done. BEAGLE: How many cookies do I get? WEIMARANER: What?? Light bulb? You want ME to change a LIGHT BULB? LAB: Why change it? The darker it is, the longer I can sleep. BASENJI: LIGHT BULB? We don't change no stinking light bulbs! MALAMUTE: Let *him* do it. You can pet me while he's busy. BOXER: If I could stop wiggling my butt long enough to quit falling off the chair ... AMERICAN BULLDOG: One. JUMP, remove bulb, land. JUMP, replace bulb, land. Two: What light bulb, So? We can play in the dark. GOLDEN RETRIEVER: "I'll be glad to change the light bulb for you, but first can't we play catch with the tennis ball, or Frisbee ... and then I want to lick your face and rest my head in your lap and look up at you with my sad eyes. What, you're changing the light bulb yourself ... you didn't have to do that ... but I looooove you so much for being my friend and doing that." DALMATIAN: Just one, but it will really hate the new bulb. ROTTWEILER: I'll change the light bulb if I can eat the old one. CORGI: I can't reach the stupid lamp! SPRINGER: Light bulb? Light bulb? That thing I just ate was a light bulb? STANDARD POODLE: None. Go get human, sit under it, look up and point it out ... then go lie down in disgust that it took so long. BORDER COLLIE: Just one. And he'll rewire the house while he's at it. WOLFDOG: Let me see that light bulb, anyway. What's it made of, what's inside of it, what will happen if I drop it. I might change it, but let me think about it. You're not trying to tell me what to do, are you? Hey, I just had a great idea. I think I'll change that light bulb! GERMAN SHEPHERD: "I'm kinda busy right now! I have to chase the cat, protect the kids, herd the horses, beg for food and take a nap. I'll add the light bulb to my "To Do" list ..." DACHSHUND: Well, first get me a ladder and a treat ... no, you took too long. I want TWO treats and I'll do it ... No, not that treat, the other kind. Geez ... do I have to do everything? (of course, followed by "the look".) IRISH SETTER: It only takes one, but it will put in a really dim bulb. PIT BULL TERRIER: Jump and take hold of old light bulb. Now, let go of old light bulb ... I said LET GO OF LIGHT BULB! Please?? Let go of the light bulb?? Let go? GOOD OL' SOUTHERN HOUND DOG: Huh???? |
| Rainbow Bridge
Just this side of Heaven is a place called Rainbow Bridge. When an animal dies that has been especially close to someone here, that pet goes to Rainbow Bridge. There are meadows and hills for all of our special friends so they can run and play together. There is plenty of food, water and sunshine and our friends are warm and comfortable. All the animals who had been ill and old are restored to health and vigor; those who were hurt or maimed are made whole and strong again, just as we remember them in our dreams of days and times gone by. The animals are happy and content, except for one small thing: they each miss someone very special, someone who was left behind. They all run and play together, but the day comes when one suddenly stops and looks into the distance. His bright eyes are intent; his eager body begins to quiver. Suddenly, he breaks from the group, flying over the green grass, faster and faster. You have been spotted, and when you and your special friend finally meet, you cling together in joyous reunion, never to be parted again. The happy kisses rain upon your face; your hands again caress the beloved head, and you look once more into those trusting eyes, so long gone from your life, but never absent from your heart. Then you cross the Rainbow Bridge together... |
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