One day while walking down the street, a highly successful Human
Resources Director was tragically hit by a bus and she died. Her soul
arrived up in heaven, where she was met at the Pearly Gates by St. Peter
himself.
"Welcome to Heaven," said St Peter. "Before you get settled in though, it
seems we have a problem. You see, strangely enough, we've never once had a
Human Resources Director make it this far and we're not really sure what to
do with you."
"No problem, just let me in," said the woman.
"Well, I'd like to, but I have higher orders. What we're going to do is
let you have a day in Hell and a day in Heaven, and then you can choose
whichever one you want to spend an eternity in."
"Actually, I think I've made up my mind, I prefer to stay in heaven,"
said the woman.
"Sorry, I have my orders..." And with that St. Peter put the executive
in an elevator and it went down-down-down to hell.
The doors opened and she found herself stepping out onto the putting green
of a beautiful golf course. In the distance was a country club and standing
in front of her were all her friends - fellow executives that she had worked
with--and they were all dressed in evening gowns and cheering for her.
They ran up and kissed her on both cheeks and they talked about old times.
They played an excellent round of golf and that night went to the country
club where she enjoyed an excellent steak and lobster dinner. She met the
Devil, who was actually a really nice guy (kinda cute), and she had a great
time telling jokes and dancing. She was having such a good time that before
she knew it, it was time to leave.
Everybody shook her hand and waved good-bye as she got on the elevator.
The elevator went up-up-up and opened at the Pearly Gates, where she found
St. Peter waiting for her.
"Now it's time to spend a day in heaven," he said. So, she spent the next 24
hours lounging around on clouds, playing the harp, and singing.
She had a great time, and before she knew it her 24 hours were up and St.
Peter came and got her.
"So, you've spent a day in Hell and you've spent a day in Heaven. Now you
must choose your eternity," he said.
The woman paused for a second and then replied, "Well, I never thought I'd
say this, I mean, Heaven has been really great and all, but I think I had a
better time in Hell."
So St. Peter escorted her to the elevator and again she went
down-down-down back to Hell. When the doors of the elevator opened, she
found herself standing in a desolate wasteland covered in garbage and filth.
She saw her friends were dressed in rags and were picking up the garbage and
putting it in sacks. The Devil came up to her and put his arm around her.
"I don't understand," stammered the woman, "yesterday I was here and there
was a golf course and a country club and we ate lobster and we danced and
had a great time. Now all there is a wasteland of garbage and all my friends
look miserable."
The Devil looked at her and smiled. "Yesterday we were recruiting you, today
you're staff....." |
Differences Between You And Your Boss
When you take a long time, you're slow.
When your boss takes a long time, he's thorough.
When you don't do it, you're lazy.
When your boss doesn't do it, he's too busy.
When you make a mistake, you're an idiot.
When your boss makes a mistake, he's only human.
When doing something without being told, you're overstepping your authority.
When your boss does the same thing, that's initiative.
When you take a stand, you're being bull-headed.
When your boss does it, he's being firm.
When you overlooked a rule of etiquette, you're being rude.
When your boss skips a few rules, he's being original.
When you please your boss, you're kissing up.
When your boss please his boss, he's being co-operative.
When you're out of the office, you're wandering around.
When your boss is out of the office, he's on business.
When you're on a day off sick, you're always sick.
When your boss is a day off sick, he must be very ill.
When you apply for leave, you must be going for an interview.
When your boss applies for leave, it's because he's overworked. |
Management Quotes
Recently, a magazine ran a contest. They were looking for people to submit quotes
from their real-life managers. Here are some of the submissions:
As of tomorrow, employees will only be able to access the building using individual
security cards. Pictures will be taken next Wednesday and employees will receive
their cards
in two weeks.
-Microsoft Corp in Redmond, WA.
What I need is a list of specific unknown problems we will encounter.
-Lykes Lines
Shipping
E-mail is not to be used to pass on information or data. It should be used only for
company business.
-Accounting manager, Electric Boat Company
This project is so important, we can't let things that are more important interfere
with it.
-Advertising/Marketing manager, United Parcel Service
Doing it right is no excuse for not meeting the schedule. No one will believe you
solved this problem in one day! We've been working on it for months. Now, go act
busy for a few weeks and I'll let you know when it's time to tell them.
-R&D
supervisor, Minnesota Mining and Manufacturing/3M Corp.
My Boss spent the entire weekend retyping a 25-page proposal that only needed
corrections. She claims the disk I gave her was damaged and she couldn't edit it. The
disk I gave her was write-protected.
-CIO of Dell Computers
Quote from the Boss: "Teamwork is a lot of people doing what I say."
-Marketing
executive, Citrix Corporation
"How About Friday?" My sister passed away and her funeral was scheduled for
Monday. When I told my Boss, he said she died so that I would have to miss work on
the busiest day of the year. He then asked if we could change her burial to Friday.
He said, "That would be better for me."
-Shipping executive, FTD Florists
"We know that communication is a problem, but the company is not going to
discuss it with the employees."
-Switching supervisor, AT&T Long Lines Division
We recently received a memo from senior management saying: "This is to inform
you that a memo will be issued today regarding the subject mentioned above."
-
Microsoft, Legal Affairs Division
One day my Boss asked me to submit a status report to him concerning a project
I was working on. I asked him if tomorrow would be soon enough. He said "If I wanted
it tomorrow, I would have waited until tomorrow to ask for it!"
-New business manager,
Hallmark Greeting Cards.
Speaking the Same Language: As director of communications, I was asked to
prepare a memo reviewing our company's training programs and materials. In the
body of the memo one of the sentences mentioned the "pedagogical approach" used
by one of the training manuals. The day after I routed the memo to the executive
committee, I was called into the HR director's office, and told that the executive vice
president wanted me out of the building by lunch. When I asked why, I was told that
she wouldn't stand for "perverts" (pedophilia?) working in her company. Finally, he
showed me her copy of the memo, with her demand that I be fired - and the word
"pedagogical" circled in red. The HR manager was fairly reasonable. Once he looked
the word up in his dictionary, and made a copy of the definition to send back to her,
he told me not to worry. He would take care of it. Two days later a memo to the
entire staff came out directing us that no words which could not be found in the local
Sunday newspaper could be used in company memos. A month later, I resigned. In
accordance with company policy, I created my resignation memo by pasting words
together from the Sunday paper.
-Taco Bell Corporation
This gem is the closing paragraph of a nationally-circulated memo from a large
communications company: "(Company name) is endeavorily determined to promote
constant attention on current procedures of transacting business focusing emphasis
on innovative ways to better, if not supersede, the expectations of quality!"
-Lucent
technologies. |
Clarification of Corporate Lingo
"COMPETITIVE SALARY:"
We remain competitive by paying less than our competitors.
"JOIN OUR FAST-PACED COMPANY:"
We have no time to train you.
"CASUAL WORK ATMOSPHERE:"
We don't pay enough to expect that you'll dress up.
But, a couple of the real daring
guys wear earrings.
"MUST BE DEADLINE ORIENTED:"
You'll be six months behind schedule on your first day.
"SOME OVERTIME REQUIRED:"
Some time each night and some time each weekend.
"DUTIES WILL VARY:"
Anyone in the office can boss you around.
"MUST HAVE AN EYE FOR DETAIL:"
We have no quality control.
"CAREER-MINDED:"
Female Applicants must be childless (and remain that way).
"APPLY IN PERSON:"
If you're old, fat or ugly you'll be told the position has been filled.
"NO PHONE CALLS PLEASE:"
We've filled the job; our call for resumes is just a legal formality.
"SEEKING CANDIDATES WITH A WIDE VARIETY OF EXPERIENCE:"
You'll need it to replace three people who just left.
"PROBLEM-SOLVING SKILLS A MUST:"
You're walking into a company in perpetual chaos.
"REQUIRES TEAM LEADERSHIP SKILLS:"
You'll have the responsibilities of a manager, without the pay or respect.
"GOOD COMMUNICATION SKILLS:"
Management communicates, you listen, figure out what they want and do.
"I'M EXTREMELY ADEPT AT ALL MANNER OF OFFICE ORGANIZATION:"
I've used Microsoft Office.
"I'M HONEST, HARD-WORKING AND DEPENDABLE:"
I pilfer office supplies.
"MY PERTINENT WORK EXPERIENCE INCLUDES:"
I hope you don't ask me about all the McJobs I've had.
"I TAKE PRIDE IN MY WORK:"
I blame others for my mistakes.
"I'M PERSONABLE:"
I give lots of unsolicited personal advice to co-workers.
"I'M EXTREMELY PROFESSIONAL:"
I carry a Day-Timer.
"I AM ADAPTABLE:"
I've changed jobs a lot.
"I AM ON THE GO:"
I'm never at my desk.
"I'M HIGHLY MOTIVATED TO SUCCEED:"
The minute I find a better job, I'm outta there. |
Advice To the Boss
Never give me work in the morning. Always wait until 5:00 and then bring it to me.
The challenge of a deadline is refreshing.
If it's really a 'rush job', run in and interrupt me every 10 minutes to inquire how it's
going. That helps.
Always leave without telling anyone where you are going. It gives me the chance to
be creative when somebody asks me where you are.
If my arms are full of papers, boxes, books or supplies, don't open the door for me.
I need to learn how to be more independent and do without any help, which is why I
work here.
If you give me more than one job to do, don't tell me which is the priority. Let me
guess. It builds management skills and my innate ability of mind reading.
Do your best to keep me late. I like the office and I really have nowhere to go and
nothing else to do. My life is yours.
If a job pleases you, keep it a secret. Leaks like that could cost me a promotion.
If you don't like my work, tell everyone. I like my name to be popular in
conversation.
If you have any special instructions for a job, don't write them down. In fact, save
them until the job is almost done, or better yet until it is done, so I can learn
repetitive perfection doing it your way.
Never introduce me to people you're with. When you refer to them later, my
shrewd deductions will identify them.
Be nice to me only when the job I'm doing for you could really change your life.
Tell me all your little problems. No one else has any and it's nice to know
someone else is less fortunate. |
New Company Policys
EXCESSIVE ABSENCES:
Due to the excessive number of absences from the office the following rules and
procedures will be put into effect of this instant.
SICKNESS:
No excuse. We will no longer accept your doctor's statment as proof, as we believe if
you are able to go to the doctor you are able to come to work.
DEATH:
(Other than your own) this is no excuse. There is nothing you can do for them and we
are sure that someone else with a lesser position can attend to the arrangements.
However, if the funeral can be held in the late afternoon, we will be glad to let you off
one hour early, providing that your share of the work is ahead enough to keep the job
going in your absence.
LEAVE OF ABSENCE:
(For an operation) we are no longer allowing this practice. We wish to discourage any
thoughts that you need an operation. We believe as long as you are an employee
here, you will need all of whatever you have and you should not consider having
anything removed. We hired you as you are and to have anything removed would
certainly make you less than we bargained for.
DEATH:
(Your own) this will be accepted as an excuse but we would like a two week notice,
as we feel it is your duty to teach someone else your job.
ALSO:
Entirely too much time is being spent in the rest room. In the future we will follow
this practice of going in alphabetcal order. For instance, those with names beginning
with "A" will go from 8.00 to 8.15, "B" will go 8.15 to 8.30, and so on. If you are
unable to go at your appointed time, it will be necessary to wait untill the next day
when your time comes again. |
The Corporate Plan
In the beginning was the Plan.
And then came the Assumptions.
And the Assumptions were without form.
And the Plan was without substance.
And darkness was upon the face of the Workers.
And the workers spoke among themselves, saying
"This is a crock of shit, and it stinks."
And the Workers went unto their Supervisors and said,
"It is a pail of dung, and we can't live with the smell."
And the Supervisors went unto their Managers, saying,
"It is a container of excrement, and it is very strong, such that none may abide by it."
And the Managers went unto their Directors, saying,
"It is a vessel of fertilizer, and none may abide its strength."
And the Directors spoke among themselves, saying to one another,
"It contains that which aids plant growth, and it is very strong."
And the Directors went to the Vice Presidents, saying unto them,
"It promotes growth, and it is very powerful."
And the Vice Presidents went to the President, saying unto him,
"This new plan will actively promote the growth and vigor of the company with
very
powerful effects."
And the President looked upon the Plan and saw that it was good.
And the Plan became Policy.
And that, my friends, is how shit happens. |
Signs Your Comany May Downsize
Company Softball Team is converted to a Chess Club.
Dr.Kevorkian is hired as an "Outplacement Coordinator".
Your best looking women in Marketing are suddenly very friendly
with the dorky Personnel Manager.
The beer supplied by the Company at picnics is Schlitz.
Weekly yard/bake sale at Corporate Headquarters.
Company President now driving a Ford Escort.
Annual Company Holiday Bash moved from the Sheraton to the local
Taco Bell.
Employee discount days at the local "Army & Navy Surplus Store"
are discontinued.
Dental plan now consists of a Company supplied kit (String,
pliers and 2 aspirin).
Your CEO has installed a dart board in his office marked with all
existing departments in the Company.
Remember folks, "We're not Downsizing, We're Rightsizing!!" |
A Interesting Look At Companies
An organisation is like a tree full of monkeys -
All on different levels, some climbing up, some hanging from the bottom branches.
The monkeys on top look down and see a tree full of smiling faces.
The monkeys on the bottom look up and see nothing but assholes. |
Actual Performance Reviews Quotes
Since my last report, this employee has reached rock bottom and has started to
dig.
His men would follow him anywhere, but only out of morbid curiosity
I would not allow this employee to breed.
This associate is really not so much of a has-been, but more definitely a won't be.
Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap.
When she opens her mouth, it seems it is only to change whichever foot was
previously there.
He would be out of his depth in a parking lot puddle.
This young lady has delusions of adequacy.
He sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them.
This employee is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot.
This employee should go far and the sooner he starts, the better.
Not the sharpest knife in the drawer.
Got into the gene pool when the lifeguard wasn't watching.
A room temperature IQ.
Got a full 6-pack, but lacks the plastic thingy to hold it together.
A gross ignoramus - 144 times worse than an ordinary ignoramus.
A photographic memory but with the lens cover glued on.
A prime candidate for natural diselection.
Bright as Alaska in December.
One-celled organisms outscore him in IQ tests.
Donated his brain to science before he was done using it.
Fell out of the family tree.
Gates are down, lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming
Has two brains: one is lost; the other is out looking for it.
He's so dense, light bends around him.
If brains were taxed, she'd get a refund.
If he were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice week.
If you give him a penny for his thoughts, you'll get change.
If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the ocean.
It's hard to believe he beat out 1,000,000 other sperm.
One neuron short of a synapse.
Some drink from the fountain of knowledge, he only gargled.
Takes him an hour and a half to watch 60 Minutes.
Wheel is turning, but the hamster is dead. |
Reflections On Business Today
Dakota tribal wisdom says that when you discover you are riding a dead horse,
the
best strategy is to dismount. However, in business we often try other strategies
with
dead horses, including the following:
Buying a stronger whip.
Changing riders.
Saying things like "This is the way we always have ridden this horse."
Appointing a committee to study the horse.
Arranging to visit other sites to see how they ride dead horses.
Increasing the standards to ride dead horses.
Appointing a tiger team to revive the dead horse.
Creating a training session to increase our riding ability.
Comparing the state of dead horses in today's environment.
Change the requirements declaring that "This horse is not dead."
Hire contractors to ride the dead horse.
Harnessing several dead horses together for increased speed.
Declaring that "No horse is too dead to beat."
Providing additional funding to increase the horse's performance.
Do a CA Study to see if contractors can ride it cheaper.
Purchase a product that says it makes dead horses run faster.
Declare the horse is "better, faster and cheaper" dead.
Form a quality circle to find uses for dead horses.
Revisit the performance requirements for horses.
Say this horse was procured with cost as an independent variable.
Promote the dead horse to a supervisory position. |
My domain has
been optimized for 800 x 600 monitor resolution and for 16 bit or better
color.
It is best viewed with Netscape 4.0 or higher or Microsoft Internet Explorer 4.0 or higher
No HTML Editors were used in the creation of these pages.
Pages property of ParadiseAwaits.Com © 1997 - 2003. All rights reserved
Graphics & Page Design by Maleka of Creations Of Paradise ©
Graphics found within this domain may not be duplicated, copied, uploaded to another
server or linked to, unless otherwise noted. Thank You!
 
|
