Lord, grant me the serenity
To accept the things I cannot change;
The courage to change the things I cannot accept;
And the wisdom to hide the bodies of those people I had to kill
today because they pissed me off.
And also, Help me to be careful of the toes I step on today as they may be connected
to the butt that I might have to kiss tomorrow. |
Things to do to drive our co-workers crazy....
Page yourself over the intercom. Don't disguise your voice.
Find out where your boss shops and buy exactly the same outfits.
Wear them one day after you boss does.
Make up nicknames for all your coworkers and refer to them only by
these names.
"That's a good point, Sparky."
"No, I'm sorry, but I'm
going to have to disagree with you there, Cha-cha.
Send e-mail to the rest of the company telling them exactly what
you're doing.
For example: "If anyone needs me, I'll be in the
bathroom."
Hi-Lite your shoes.
Tell people you haven't lost them as much since
you did this.
While sitting at your desk, soak your fingers in Palmolive liquid.
Call everyone Madge.
Hang mosquito netting around your cubicle.
When you emerge to get
coffee, slap yourself randomly.
Put a chair facing a printer.
Sit there all day and tell people
you're waiting for your document.
Every time someone asks you to do something, anything, ask them if
they want fries with that.
Send e-mail back and forth to yourself engaging yourself in an
intellectual debate. Forward the mail to a coworker and ask her to
settle the disagreement.
At lunch time, sit in your parked car and point a hair dryer at
passing cars to see if they slow down.
Encourage your colleagues to join you in a little synchronized
chair-dancing.
Put your trash can on your desk. Label it "IN."
Develop an unnatural and hysterical fear of staplers.
Send e-mail messages saying there's free pizza or donuts or cake
in the lunchroom. When people drift back to work complaining that they
found none, lean back, pat your stomach and say "oh you've got to be
faster than that.
Put decaf in the coffeemaker for three weeks. Once everyone has
withdrawn from caffeine addiction, switch to espresso. |
Snappy Things To Say To Co-Workers
Obviously you're unable to assimilate my stimulating concepts into your
blighted
and retarded world-view.
I don't know what your problem is, but I'll bet it's hard to pronounce.
Any connection between your reality and mine is purely coincidental.
I can see your point, but I still think you're full of it.
I like you. You remind me of me when I was young and stupid.
What am I? Flypaper for freaks!?
I'm not being rude. You're just insignificant.
I'll give you a nice, shiny quarter if you'll go away.
I'm already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth.
I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you.
It's a thankless job, but I've got a lot of Karma to burn off.
Yes, I am an agent of Satan, but my duties are largely ceremonial.
How about never? Is never good for you?
I'm really easy to get along with once you people learn to worship me.
You sound reasonable...Time to up my medication
You're just jealous because the little voices talk to ME.
I'll try being nicer if you'll try being smarter.
I'm out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message...
I don't work here. I'm a consultant.
Who me? I just wander from room to room. |
Since You've Already Given Your Notice...
Two words: whoopie cushion
Wear green lipstick and pinch everyone and tell them it's for "not
honoring St. Patty". If they correct you to tell you it's not St.
Patrick's day, whisper "Don't tell that to the leprechaun!" and
slither away.
Call your boss "Sport" and "Slugger" for your entire last week.
Constantly eat hamburger. On your last day, "accidentally" leave
hamburger meat on/in/near your desk.
Walk around quietly singing "Nobody loves me, everybody hates me,
guess I'll go eat worms"
Play dead.
Sign all your emails "Disgruntled,"
Don't wear deodorant. If people act like you smell (because you do),
tell them it's your new cologne "mordre" (French for "bite me").
Burn incense and if you're told it's against office policy to have
something burning inside, say in an evil voice as you can muster,
"Fine. YOU tell Buddha that!"
Send out very random one word emails to the whole staff like "banana"
or "pancreas" or "transvestite". Nothing else. Just the one word. Do
this about 3 times a day for a week, and if people tell you to stop,
tell them it must be a bug in your system.
If you have a "kitchen" in your office, write "die" on the counter in
blood. Just leave it there. Wear a prominent Band-Aid and look at
everyone with a glare.
Come to work in slippers.
Wear white pants and thong underwear, even if you are a guy.
If you're lucky enough to have a board meeting your last week, squirm
like you have to pee, but tell people it's those "pesky parasites"
Drink beer.
Wear a Burger King crown and sit with your eyes closed the entire
time. Even when you're talking, don't open your eyes, but make facial
expressions nonetheless.
Consistently hum one monotone note quietly but keep acting like
you are really interested in the meeting. Take notes, nod, look
around. If someone asks what the noise is, say "What noise?" and act
just as curious as everyone else.
Tell your co-workers you now prefer to be called "Posh Spice" because
it makes you feel worthwhile and sexy.
If you've been "let go", growl quietly every time you see your boss.
Keep normal facial expressions and body movement.
Tell people you are engaged, and when they start congratulating you,
say in a defensive tone with your hand on your forehead, "Stop
pressuring me! I'll get married when I get married!".
Tell everyone that next week, you'll be living the "high life" as an
astronaut.
Go to a costume shop and get a real looking fake wound. Plaster it to
your face and tell everyone it was from "that ferret I just can't get
rid of".
Place a teddy bear next to your computer on your desk. Frequently talk
to it and kiss it.
Give a forwarding address in Katmandu.
One day, have a "flashback" and come to work dressed in 80's attire.
Tell your office mates you really never thought the 80's died, they
were just taking an extended leave.
If you're ever in the coffee room alone, and someone else comes in,
ignore their presence and make loud cappuccino noises while you
prepare your drink.
And the number one way to freak out your co-workers after doing all these
things. . .
Stay. |
THINGS YOU'D LOVE TO SAY To Your Co-Workers....... BUT CAN'T!
I don't know what your problem is, but I'll bet it's hard
to pronounce.
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate
yourself in public.
I'll try being nicer if you'll try being smarter.
It sounds like English, but I can't understand a word
you're saying.
I can see your point, but I still think you're full of
it.
I like you. You remind me of when I was young and stupid.
You are validating my inherent mistrust of strangers.
I have plenty of talent and vision. I just don't give a damn.
I'm already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth.
Thank you. We're all refreshed and challenged by your
unique point of view.
What am I? Flypaper for freaks!?
Yes, I am an agent of Satan, but my duties are largely ceremonial.
And your crybaby whiny-butt opinion would be...?
Do I look like a people person?
This isn't an office. It's Hell with fluorescent lighting.
Sarcasm is just one more service we offer.
If I throw a stick, will you leave?
I'm trying to imagine you with a personality.
Can I trade this job for what's behind door #1?
How do I set a laser printer to stun?
I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted a
paycheck. |
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