The New Office Architecture:
Those little boxes are known as Cubicles.
They tell you to "Think outside the
box", but you can't do that when you're
actually inside the box.
In prison you get an 8'x10' cell. At the
office you get a 6'x8' cubicle.
A large room full of cubicles is called a
"Cube Farm."
Tall people may find a cube farm like a
maze, but short people get lost in it.
Poking your head up above the cubicle
walls is known as Prairie Dogging.
What's worse than working in a 6 x 8
cubicle? Two people working in a 6 x 8
cubicle.
Want some excitement in the office?
Slam a door and watch all the prairie
dogs pop up.
Another fun thing is to send an e-mail
message around the office: "Last one
up's a rotten egg!" |
Start with a cage containing five apes. In the cage, hang a banana on a string
and put stairs under it. Before long, an ape will go to the stairs and start to climb towards the banana.
As soon as he touches the stairs, spray all of the apes with cold water.
After a while, another ape makes an attempt with the same result - all the apes
are sprayed with cold water.
Turn off the cold water.
If, later, another ape tries to climb the stairs, the other apes will try to
prevent it even though no water sprays them.
Now, remove one ape from the cage and replace it with a new one.
The new ape sees the banana and wants to climb the stairs. To his horror, all of
the other apes attack him. After another attempt and attack, he knows that if
he tries to climb the stairs, he will be assaulted.
Next, remove another of the original five apes and replace it with a new one.
The newcomer goes to the stairs and is attacked. The previous newcomer takes
part in the punishment with enthusiasm.
Again, replace a third original ape with a new one. The new one makes it to the
stairs and is attacked as well. Two of the four apes that beat him have no idea
why they were not permitted to climb the stairs,
or why they are participating in the beating of the newest ape.
After replacing the fourth and fifth original apes, all the apes which have been
sprayed with cold water have been replaced. Nevertheless, no ape ever again
approaches the stairs.
Why not?
"Because that's the way it's always been around here." |
New Virus Taking Offices By Storm
This virus warning is genuine.
There is a new virus going around, called "work." If you receive any
sort of "work" at all, whether via email, internet or simply handed to
you by a colleague...DO NOT OPEN IT.
This has been circulating around our building for months and those who
have been tempted to open "work" or even look at "work" have found
thattheir social life is deleted and their brain ceases to function
properly.
If you do encounter "work" via email or are faced with any "work" at
all, then to purge the virus, send an email to your boss with the words
"I've had enough of your crap... I'm off to the pub." The "work"
should automatically be forgotten by your brain.
If you receive "work" in paper-document form, simply lift the document
and drag the "work" to your garbage can. Put on your hat and coat and
skip to the nearest bar with two friends and order three pints of beer
(or rum punch). After repeating this action 14 times, you will find
that "work" will no longer be of any relevance to you and that "Scooby
Doo" was the greatest cartoon ever.
Send this message to everyone in your address book. If you do NOT have
anyone in your address book, then I'm afraid the "work" virus has
already corrupted your life. |
Top Ten Things That Sound Dirty At The Office But Aren't:
I need to whip it out by 5.
Mind if I use your laptop?
Just stick it in my box.
If I have to lick one more, I'll gag!
I want it on my desk, NOW!!!
HMMMMMMMM....I think it's out of fluid!
My equipment is so old, it takes forever to finish.
It's an entry-level position.
When do you think you'll be getting off today?
And the number 1 thing that sounds dirty in the office but isn't:
It's not fair...I do all the work while he just sits there!
Dilbert's Rules of The Workplace
If you can't get our work done in the first 24 hours, work nights.
A pat on the back is only a few centimeters from a kick in the butt.
Don't be irreplaceable, if you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.
It doesn't matter what you do, it only matters what you say you've done
and what
you're going to do.
After any salary raise, you will have less money at the end of the month than you did
before.
The more crap you put up with, the more crap you are going to get.
You can go anywhere you want if you look serious and carry a clipboard.
Eat one live toad the first thing in the morning and nothing worse will happen
to you
the rest of the day.
When the bosses talk about improving productivity, they are never talking about
themselves.
If at first you don't succeed, try again. Then quit.
No use being a damn fool about it. There will always be beer cans rolling on the floor
of your car when the boss asks for a ride home from the office.
Keep your boss's boss off your boss's back.
Everything can be filed under "miscellaneous."
Never delay the ending of a meeting or the beginning of a cocktail hour.
To err is human, to forgive is not our policy.
Anyone can do any amount of work provided it isn't the work he/she is supposed to
be doing. Important letters that contain no errors will develop errors in the mail.
If you are good, you will be assigned all the work. If you are really good, you will get
out of it.
You are always doing something marginal when the boss drops by your desk.
People who go to conferences are the ones who shouldn't.
If it wasn't for the last minute, nothing would get done.
At work, the authority of a person is inversely proportional to the number of pens
that
person is carrying.
When you don't know what to do, walk fast and look worried.
Following the rules will not get the job done.
Getting the job done is no excuse for not following the rules.
When confronted by a difficult problem you can solve it more easily by reducing it to
the question, "How would the Lone Ranger handle this?"
No matter how much you do, you never do enough.
The last person that quit or was fired will be held responsible for everything that goes
wrong.
Do something brilliant and no one is watching.
Do something stupid and the boss is
sure to see it. |
Vocabulary for the Modern Office
Assmosis:
The process by which some people seem to absorb success and advancement
by
kissing up to the boss.
Blamestorming:
Sitting around in a group discussing why a deadline was missed
or a project failed
and who was responsible.
Seagull Manager:
A manager who flies in, makes a lot of noise, shits over everything
and then leaves.
Blowing your buffer:
Losing your train of thought.
Salmon day: [A fave]
The experience of spending an entire day swimming upstream only to
get screwed
and die in the end.
Chainsaw consultant:
An outside expert brought in to reduce the employee headcount, leaving the brass
with clean hands.
CLM:
Career-Limiting Move. Used among microserfs to describe illadvised
activity.
Trashing your boss while he or she is within earshot is a serious CLM.
Adminisphere:
The rarefied organizational layers beginning just above the rank
and file.
Decisions that fall from the adminisphere are often profoundly
inappropriate or irrelevant
to the problems they were designed to solve.
Dilberted:
To be exploited and oppressed by your boss. Derived from the experiences of Dilbert,
the geek-from-hell comic strip character. "I've been dilberted again.
The old man revised
the specs for the fourth time this week."
Flight Risk:
Used to describe employees who are suspected of planning to leave
the company
or department soon.
404:
Someone who's clueless. From the World Wide Web error message
"404 Not Found",
meaning that the requested document could not be located. "Don't
bother asking him...
He's 404, man."
Keyboard Plaque:
The disgusting buildup of dirt and crud found on computer keyboards.
Ohnosecond:
That minuscule fraction of time in which you realize that you've just made a BIG
mistake.
Ercussive Maintenance:
The fine art of whacking the crap out of an electronic device to get
it to work again.
Prairie Dogging:
When someone yells or drops something loudly in a "cube farm" (an
office full of cubicles)
and everyone's heads pop up over the walls to
see what's going on.
Umfriend:
A sexual relation of dubious standing or a concealed intimate
relationship, as in
"This is Dale, my...um...friend."
Yuppie Food Stamps:
The ubiquitous $20 bills spewed out of ATMs everywhere.
Often used
when trying to split the bill after a meal: "We all owe $8 each, but all
anybody's got is yuppie food stamps." |
Signs Your Comany May Downsize
Company Softball Team is converted to a Chess Club.
Dr.Kevorkian is hired as an "Outplacement Coordinator".
Your best looking women in Marketing are suddenly very friendly
with the dorky Personnel Manager.
The beer supplied by the Company at picnics is Schlitz.
Weekly yard/bake sale at Corporate Headquarters.
Company President now driving a Ford Escort.
Annual Company Holiday Bash moved from the Sheraton to the local Taco Bell.
Employee discount days at the local "Army & Navy Surplus Store"
are discontinued.
Dental plan now consists of a Company supplied kit (String, pliers and 2 aspirin).
Your CEO has installed a dart board in his office marked with all
existing departments in the Company.
Remember folks, "We're not Downsizing, We're Rightsizing!!" |
Murphy's Laws Of Work
A pat on the back is only a few centimetres from a kick in the pants.
Don't be irreplaceable, if you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.
The more crap you put up with, the more crap you are going to get.
You can go anywhere you want if you look serious and carry a clipboard.
Eat one live toad the first thing in the morning and nothing worse will
happen to you the rest of the day.
Never ask two questions in a business letter. The reply will discuss the
one you are least interested in, and say nothing about the other.
When the bosses talk about improving productivity, they are never talking
about themselves.
If at first you don't succeed, try again. Then quit. No use being a
damn fool about it.
There will always be beer cans rolling on the floor of your car when the
boss asks for a ride home from the office.
Mother said there would be days like this, but she never said there
would be so many.
Keep your boss's boss off your boss's back.
Everything can be filed under "miscellaneous."
Never delay the ending of a meeting or the beginning of a cocktail hour.
To err is human, to forgive is not company policy.
Anyone can do any amount of work provided it isn't the work he is
supposed to be doing.
Important letters that contain no errors will develop errors in the
mail.
The last person that quit or was fired will be the one held responsible
for everything that goes wrong.
Until the next person quits or is fired.
There is never enough time to do it right the first time, but there is
always enough time to do it over.
The more pretentious a corporate name, the smaller the organization.
(For instance, The Murphy Centre for Codification of Human and
Organizational Law, contrasted to IBM, GM)
If you are good, you will be assigned all the work. If you are really
good, you will get out of it.
You are always doing something marginal when the boss drops by your
desk.
People are always available for work in the past tense.
If it wasn't for the last minute, nothing would get done.
At work, the authority of a person is inversely proportional to the
number of pens that person is carrying.
When you don't know what to do, walk fast and look worried.
You will always get the greatest recognition for the job you least like.
No one gets sick on Wednesdays.
When confronted by a difficult problem you can solve it more easily by
reducing it to the question, "How would the Lone Ranger handle this?"
The longer the title, the less important the job.
Machines that have broken down will work perfectly when the repairman
arrives.
An "acceptable" level of employment means that the government economist
to whom it is acceptable still has a job.
Once a job is fouled up, anything done to improve it makes it worse.
All vacations and holidays create problems, except for one's own.
Success is just a matter of luck, just ask any failure.
The first 90% of project takes 90% of the time, the last
10% takes the other 90% of the time.
If you can't get your work done in the first 24 hours, work
nights.
It doesn't matter what you do, it only matters what you say
you've done and what you're going to do.
After any salary raise, you will have less money at the end of
the month than you did before.
People who go to conferences are the ones who shouldn't.
At work, the authority of a person is inversely proportional to
the number of pens that person is carrying.
Following the rules will not get the job done.
Getting the job done is no excuse for not following the rules. |
My domain has
been optimized for 800 x 600 monitor resolution and for 16 bit or better
color.
It is best viewed with Netscape 4.0 or higher or Microsoft Internet Explorer 4.0 or higher
No HTML Editors were used in the creation of these pages.
Pages property of ParadiseAwaits.Com © 1997 - 2003. All rights reserved
Graphics & Page Design by Maleka of Creations Of Paradise ©
Graphics found within this domain may not be duplicated, copied, uploaded to another
server or linked to, unless otherwise noted. Thank You!
 
|
